Monday, April 27th 1998
Some say cancer is hereditary, well I say pirating is. That's right, I
inherited piracy-addiction from my father. While growing up, my
father not only worked hard to support us, but he went beyond the call
of duty when he provided the family
with pirated VHS movies! I was the only kid on my
block with copies of movies that were still playing at theatres! After
collecting their lunch money, my school-buddies were able to watch some of the
movies in my dad's vast collection.
It's human nature to want that which you cannot have (or that which
the man says you cannot have.) And when you do score that item,
it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside -- I'm having that feeling right now.
NUMbers has dabbled with pirate videos on and off over the years -- but
when the media is not digital, it's just not appealing to us. Pirate
VCDs are now mainstream, and we've jumped into that stream. The source
of these VCDs is Hong Kong/China (the world leaders in piracy, God bless 'em!)
The majority of the movies are shot with a camcorder at a theatre, though occasionally
they get their hands on an Academy Awards Demo Tape.
Owning a movie that's still playing at the theatres is like sex-in-a-bottle
-- you have it and everybody wants some. Suddenly you have
friends that you haven't talked to in months dropping by "just to say hi".
Then the name dropping starts... "Oh that movie is STILL playing at the
theatres? I've had it on VCD for MONTHS now..." Soon you have an entourage
that rival's Bruce and Demis'.
In fact, that reminds me of a story...
When Jerry McGuire was just starting to play at theatres, DragonKid scored
us the Academy Awards Copy on VHS (along with some other titles.) I sent
copies to many family and friends, and also had a big NUMbers promotion with
them. But the most important thing the tapes did for me was to get me laid.
In the course of my dating history, I learned one very important fact --
single moms are often easier to deal with than your average chick. In fact,
it was practically a requirement for me (before I scored Natalia.) They know
that their life is over. They know the extra baggage (kid) is going to
ruin any chance of them getting the man of their dreams. "They've seen the
puppet show." They realize all of this, they've already been screwed over
before, but they still pray that "Mr. Right" comes along. (One of the rare
cases where the woman's lack of logic can actually come in handy.)
Single moms are great because:
1) They are VERY low maintaince -- they're happy just to go to the movies
once in a while.
2) They are generally in terrific shape because they realize they are
going to need every edge they can get, having extra baggage.
3) They are eager to please.
4) They are easily pleased (see #3.)
And most importantly, they are desperate.
Some say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, well I say that
the way to a women's heart is through her baggage. Learn the brat's name,
pretend to like kids, maybe even spend a day with the little bugger. Write
down its birthday on your calendar, and make sure to give it a gift (a
Disney movie will suffice.) When you send holiday cards, make sure to address
it to your chick AND her baggage.
The single mom eats this stuff up. It's a simple case of putting yourself
in her shoes for a second to get a view of her priorities (so that you can
manipulate them.) After performing some of the basics, she'll start to think
that you're the one! "Little Johnny will finally have a dad!"
Meanwhile, she's doing everything she can think of to hook you. She'll cook
for you, clean for you, and of course be your personal sex slave. You can
drag this on indefinetly (or until you get bored.) Never say anything that
can be used against you (like saying the four letter word to her.)
Just keep leading her on in an indirect fashion -- this makes it much easier
to dump her later.
One way to do this is through romantic comedies. Make sure you have all of
the important ones: An Officer And A Gentleman, Pretty Woman, Far And Away,
Cocktail, Sleepless In Seattle, Three Of Hearts, Groundhog Day, Singles,
Four Weddings And A Funeral, all the Disney Animated Movies, and of course
Jerry McGuire. This way the movies put all kinds of happy images into her
pretty little head, without you even saying a word!
I was just starting to see someone when Jerry McGuire came my way. I simply
made her a copy, and waited for my phone to ring. In no time at all I had a
willing slave. It's almost like Jerry McGuire was made JUST FOR ME!
Jerry McGuire is one of the first movies that I entertain a new prospective slave
with. I can basically see the future depending on how she reacts to the movie --
if she gets all teary-eyed, it's in the bag.
Being a happily married man, I thought I'd pass this along to some of you
single guys out there. Single moms are a great resource, enjoy!
Tuesday, April 21st 1998
Quake Relationship Notes: Segment 1
Many of you have written in and asked me what my favorite game is.
Team Fortress Quake is always my quick reply -- and many of you share
this crack-like addiction. I have decided to keep an on-going "Quake Relationship Notes"
section to help you deal with non-believers.
- Q&A
Q: I'm 15 and my life seems to consist of playing Quake and whacking off.
My sister said that chicken choking is a sin. Do I have anything to worry about?
A: Let me explain how this works. Sins are rated on a points scale --
kind of like a frag log. You get 100 points for cussing, 1000 points for stealing
and like a million points for killing someone. After about a million points there's
a good chance you will go to hell. Now bleeding your snake gets you only 5 points
each time, and you may think that because of this you are pretty safe -- but the
problem with a kid like you is that those points will add up fast. In no time
you will be right up there in Fire and Brimstone territory. I suggest you join
a swim team. One other interesting point -- based on the above rates, if you know
you are gonna kill someone in the future, you can go ahead and sin all you want
with the lesser stuff cause after a million you're a goner anyway. I have this
worked out in Excel if you are interested.
Q: Seven, you pathetic wanna-be-know-it-all-llama! I read your reviews,
stories, and stuff -- you give advice to everyone about everything but you don't know squat! Are you
trying to tell me that you are an expert on everything and that I should follow
your lame-ass advice and do whatever you tell me?
A: Yes. Send me $100.
Q: I heard that the Official NUMbers Quake Playbook (CD-ROM edition) may be available
for sale. How much will it go for?
A: $49.95
Q: I am really into Quake and Team Fortress. I am gonna get a computer and Quake as
soon as I save up the money. The last $3000 I got together I invested in a
mail-order course on how to start a business on the Internet and make money. I am doing
really well in the course -- so well in fact that the instructor sent me a letter saying
that I may not even need to take the last half of the course! I may even be
allowed to go straight into the Masters Enterprise course for only $1200 more.
This course is so advanced that they don't even send you material to work on.
You work on your own stuff and send it in to be graded!
Anyway, I am anxious to buy the computer system they will offer me when I graduate.
It costs a bit more than one you can get from the store but they tell me it is
Internet-ready. When I get it I also want to start a Quake clan. I understand that
the Official NUMbers Quake Playbook (CD-ROM edition) may be available for sale. How much
is it?
A: $595.95
Q: My Johnny talks about you all the time. Ever since a very traumatic
incident at Toys 'R' Us, little Johnny has been very
quiet and withdrawn. But lately he has perked up because he has been playing that
Quake video game! He showed me your articles and I confess I enjoy them very much.
You seem to have a deep understanding of how people think and you are very sensitive
to their feelings. I would love to meet you sometime and talk to you about Johnny.
A: Send me your photo first.
Q: My mom is cool and stuff but she comes into my room right in the middle
of a game and starts talking to me and stuff. Then she gets mad and then I get
mad. Then we start yelling and stuff and my game gets all messed up. What would
you do in my shoes if my mom came into my room and started talking to me right in the
middle of a game?
A: I would go "Geeezus! There's a dead woman in my room talking to me!"
I realize that does not help you in your situation. Perhaps you can say
"Mom I know you want to talk to me and it is very important to me that I
hear what you have to say but I am in the middle of a game that will take a
few more minutes. Allow me to finish this and I promise I'll come out after and
spend time with you." The trick here is that you have to follow though on your
promise and hang out with her or a while. It may not be so bad -- plus you
can then pimp her for stuff. Remember, TF 2 is a commercial release...
Q: I play Quake at home and I really enjoy it. The problem is my older
brother really bugs me and turns off my computer in the middle of games and stuff
just to piss me off. I really hate him! I want to take a pound of C4 and blow up
his stupid Camaro all to hell. That will show him!
A: Well you really need to phrase this in question form, like in Jeopardy,
but I think I know what your issues are. First off let's get real -- where are
you gonna get a pound of C4 anyway? Besides, if you bought it black market
(like from me) it would cost you a fortune and it would leave a ten foot crater
in the driveway. Your folks would then be twice as mad at you! For a uni-body
car like that I'd go 4 ounces max. But I digress...
This is one of those life situations that will hopefully point you in the right
direction and will encourage you to get a good education. Then you will know how
to make explosives out of household cleaning products and hardware store items.
Still, I continue to digress as this does not help you today...
Take a tin can and pour in two cups of gasoline, add pieces of styrofoam coffee
cup to the gas until no more will dissolve. The result will be a can of home-made
napalm that will double as a smoke bomb. Add aluminum shavings if you want white
sparkles, iron shavings if you want gold-orange sparkles.
The advantages of this are that you will not shatter all the windows of your house
with the blast and you won't have a Federal beef on your hands if you get caught.
Thursday, April 16th 1998
Quick Clarification
- My xx/10 Rating System
Somebody wrote in asking why he keeps seeing 11 out of 10 scores. "Are you
on crack or something?". No my friend, crack is out, Heroin is in. And the
reason you keep seeing these abnormally high scores is that I'm mentioning/
reviewing abnormally awesome items. BTW, I give your question a 1/10, happy
now?
Old Software Experiences
- XtreeGold v3.0...........11/10.........WWW Site
Somebody asked me the other day, "Seven, besides your wife, what do you think
is the most valuable piece of software you own?"
I didn't even have to think about it -- XtreeGold, hands down. This piece
of software has options that no other program can touch
(Ztree for Win95
tries to capture Xtree's glory, but fails in my book -- it's much slower
and somewhat unstable.) Ztree's only redeaming value is that it can do
most of Xtree's functions and it's only 189k compared to Xtree's 1900k
(zipped sizes.)
Search Functions
Probably the function I use the most is tag/search. This is how I
look through my CDROM catalogs to find a program. I go to my catalogs,
CONTROL-T (tags all the files), CONTROL-S (search all the files), enter
the search criteria, and let it rip. Xtree then tags all the files where
it found a match. Then I just go to the file, hit V to view, then hit
the SPACE BAR to go to the search critera.
Unzipping/Unraring/Unarjing
Because Xtree lets you use dos commands at any time (simply press X or
CONTROL-X), I often find myself
using Xtree to extract files. The only time I don't use Xtree is when
there are long filenames (because Xtree calls up the dos versions of said
programs.) Typical commands look like:
pkunzip -d -o *.zip C:\temp
rar x /y *.rar C:\temp
arj x -v -y *.arj C:\temp
Xtree remembers the last 17 commands used (by hitting the UP arrow), so
chances are you won't have to type much if you've typed it before. I go
a step farther and create batch files that execute commands I use often.
(Example, I always zip stuff up, and have a batch file named P.BAT which
says: pkzip -ex -r -p zip *.*)
I have Xtree on every computer I
use, including all my Burning Stations. I constantly use Xtree on my Burning
Stations to read in images using CDgrabPro for Dos -- CDGRABP O: r COOKED
DEST-069.ISO 0 366666.
Keep in mind that you must have the PATHS in your autoexec.bat setup correctly
to use batch files/dos programs. My path line is: PATH C:\WINDOWS;C:\WINDOWS\COMMAND;C:\DOS;C:\UTILS
. I keep all my batch files/utils in C:\UTILS.
File Management
This is where Xtree really shines. It is, after all, a file management
utility.
Batch Creation
One of the most powerful functions of Xtree is to create batch files
concerning tagged files. For instance, when I make the Karma/Destiny
cds, I want to extract the files down to the last possible level, to
make installation easy. (Many files are Zipped, Arjed, Rarred, and
then Zipped again just for safe measure -- don't you just love some of
the wacked pirates releasing titles this way?)
I basically have Xtree search all the zips for rars/arjs inside them.
(Or I just go through the files myself and find them -- which is normally
the case because I don't want to miss anything.)
Then
I hit G for GLOBAL, CONTROL-B for batch creation, enter the batch name,
then enter the line mask information (in this case:
%2: !! CD \ !! CD %2:\%3 !! PKUNZIP -D -O %4 !! del %4.%5)
Then I execute the batch. This basically tells Xtree to go to the drive
where the file is, unzip it, delete it, and continue on.
Then I'm left with the rars/arjs. Normally this is the final stage of
compression unless the pirate group was abnormally malicious and decided
that you have nothing better to do than to spend all day uncompressing their
release. I like to go to the rar/arj and hit V to view it. (This is also
a good way to find out if it's a rar or an arj if the dumb-ass group named
them all *.01, etc.) The first thing you'll see is either Rar! or arj.
Next you'll want to view a few of the rars/arjs to see if you keep finding the same
filename over and over (like setup.exe). This means that the program has
it's own installer and should be unrared/unarjed. If you just see a bunch
of different filenames/directories, you don't want to uncompress the title
because it will be HUGE (that's why they call it compression.)
Trigger Happy
I have personally never uninstalled a program from Win95. Why bother when
I can just whip out my trusty Xtree and do it myself? That's right, Xtree
can delete files faster than you can say, "Oh shit, that was my only copy
and I just deleted it with Xtree." (I have the recycle bin set to delete
files immediately upon trashed, so I never have to worry about any sort of
saving grace.)
With it's CONTROL-T (tag all files) and CONTROL-D (delete all files), you too
can become your own worst nightmare. You can take files out faster than a
brother on crack running away from the cops (and that's pretty damn fast.)
Don't like that application you just installed? No problem. Delete any
menu shortcuts by logging to your C drive, scrolling down to the STARTM~1
directory, find the culprits and axe them. Then proceed to where the application
was actually installed and remove it as well.
You'll often find Hidden/System files lying around. Feeling lucky? You can
delete them too! Simply Tag them, CONTROL-A -R-A-S-H and then
delete them! (I do not recommend deleting the Hidden/System files on YOUR
C drive, but there's nothing wrong if you do it to somebody else's C drive.)
There's nothing like the satisfaction you derrive upon seeing the look of
total anguish that crosses the unlucky fellow's face when his computer no longer
"boots up".
Off The Wall
Which reminds me of all the fun that is to be had at trade shows. Whenever
I go to some sort of trade show (Comdex, E3, and ESPECIALLY if I get dragged
along to MacWorld Expo by one of my Mac-nut friends), I feel that it is my
sacred duty as a responsible citizen to make sure that all the exibitors'
PCs are secure.
I always make sure I'm dreseed to blend (suit), and casually stroll over
to a booth with a PC/Keyboard. The first thing I do is try to get any kind
of DOS access. Upon achieving this, I have 2 options -- format or fdisk.
If I'm feeling espeically evil (which is, of course, normally the case), I will just
pull up fdisk and delete all the partitions on the drive(s). If I'm in a
hurry because the rep is about to come over and tell me why his product is
God's Gift to the computer community, I just format C: /q /u. If I
have time, I'll format any other drives on the system as well -- wouldn't
want to leave them anything.
I won't bother giving tips about slipping items (laptops, CPUs, etc.) into
your posession -- you should already be familiar with these everyday survival
skills. Yep, there's no need to mention that it helps to take
a hot looking chick with you (wearing full-on slut attire)
to distract said representatives while you walk away with the
goods.
Monday, April 13th 1998
I can hear your questions and remarks... "How on earth did you score
a chick like that???" -- "Dude, she's only using you to get free cds!!!"
Let me tell you a little secret my friends -- you too can score a babe of this
calibur. As you might have noticed, Natalia is Russian. Now, we all know that
the Russian economy is messed up. This means that most Russians will do pretty
much anything (or anyone) to get the hell out of Russia!
I don't have to tell most of you that American women are pretty much a pain
in the ass when it comes to relationships. I'm a male chauvanist pig, and
proud of it. I managed to put off marriage for almost 30 years! It was
easy because all I had to do was look at my married friend's pathetic
lives. Sure, there are a few good American women out there -- but they
aren't exactly knocking down my door.
The ONLY truely happy marriage I've seen belongs to a friend of mine named Ben.
He's asian, his wife is asian, and that pretty much says it all. Everytime
I went over to his house, his wife was either happily cooking or cleaning -- now that's
what I like to see! (See Eddie Murphy in RAW for more on this subjetc.)
The differences between a 21-year-old college student in Russia, and a
21-year-old coed in America are vast. A Russian woman tends to be much more
serious about her culture and her family than an American woman. She takes more
responsibility for her family and the home -- typically learning cooking,
sewing and other skills thoroughly. She dresses much nicer than a young American
woman. The floor of her room will not be a compost heap of clothes,
magazines and dishes. The clothes she has will be clean and well-cared for.
A casual afternoon trip to the mall, fueled by a family credit card, is not
an option. The severe limitations on freedom imposed first by the Soviet
system, later by economic problems, tend to make the Eastern European woman
more focused, more mature and more serious than her Western contemporaries.
Now let us just say that she IS using me to get citizenship. Guess what?
We have to be married for 3 years before she can qualify. What does that mean?
That means Natalia isn't going ANYWHERE for the next 3 years. Don't get me
wrong, I'm not planning on chaining her up in the dungeon (only to the bed
posts from time to time), but I do plan to
throw her in the NUMbers packaging room. So the next time you get a little
package from NUMbers, you'll have Natalia to thank for the shipping details.
When I first brought her
to the USA, we landed in Las Vegas. I proceeded to tell her that EVERY
city in the United States was like this. God I'm bad...
On a more serious note, I am having a blast doing shit with Natalia.
Just going out to a movie is a big event for her.
As part of her "training", I'm teaching her to play Team Fortress Quake, and Red Alert.
She is actually putting ALOT of effort into learning the games, and she
enjoys them! Lets see your chick do that!
And yes, there very well might be a set of pictures of her on the next cd
I get mass produced. (Don't miss Sonia on Gold 19, and Norma on Gold 20.)
Too bad I didn't continue the Gold line as I had a few other sets ready for
them... Natalia will probably be a Karma or Destiny (once I work my magic on her, getting
her in the mood for pictures -- of course saying "Do it or I ship you back to
Russia would probably work well."
So if you are interested in meeting a hot Russian chick with a minimum of
3 years of indentured service, look for RUSSIA-1.TXT coming soon to our CD roms.
(I have to sell you something -- might as well be a cd.)
So now you know why I suddenly seemed to have extra time on my hands to write
columns like this one -- I now have a helper, er, wife.
