Friday, May 1st 1998
Q:
I wait till my wife is asleep then I sneak downstairs and play TF till all hours.
Once in a while she wakes up and busts me. What can I do?
A:
Not that I have ever done this, but try the following:
1) Slip her a martini at dinner.
2) Turn the volume off on your modem.
3) Fix the bedroom door. Oil the hinges. Pull the door knob out and grease the shaft and the inside works with heavy grease so that those parts don't rattle around.
4) Make a few dry runs and fix any floor boards that squeak. If you can't work on 'em try walking close to the walls. It makes less noise there. Same with the stairs.
5) If you make your run with the lights out, pick out all the furniture and memorize the locations. Again, do a dry run in the dark. You might want to get a mini flashlight. Hold the light end in your fist and let the light out between your fingers as needed.
6) Headphones.
7) Lay a rolled up towel along the bottom of the computer room door.
8) Watch the wooping and hollering when you cap and stuff.
9) Set up the computer so that you face to door. If you can't do that, place a small mirror next to the monitor.
Q:
I like to stay late at work so I can play TF without being bothered. Later when I get home, my wife gets all on my case and wants to know what I've been doing.
A:
Tell her you had to take your new secretary out to dinner. She will respond one of two ways:
1) She freaks. This is good. She threatens to leave, bla bla bla. You end up on the couch. This you deal with another day -- for now you can get back to Quaking.
2) She goes "ok" goes about her business. You can get back to Quake right away, but be careful -- she may be poisoning your oatmeal.
Q:
I am a female TF player. My boyfriend gets really jealous of my time. What can I do about it?
A:
Tell him that you can't spell TeamFortress without the word "team" and you can't spell relationship without the word "ship." He will say "what are you talking about?" Then you start to cry and tell him "I can't ever talk to you. You just don't understand." This will make him skip a beat. Oh and get really mad at him at this point. Once you have him off balance, pour it on. "Oh sure it's always me. It's never you." Hit him with the standard women-dealing-with-men strategies of keeping him busy trying
to figure out nonsense stuff. He will now try for all he's worth to "understand" you so that he can argue back. He'll do this till he gets tired. When that happens start to agree with everything and tell him that you see his point now. He'll be spent. Set him up with a beer and prop him up in front of the TV. You can now get back to Quaking.
Q:
My mom is all upset at me because I play TF way too much and my grades at school are shot. I told her that there are benefits and advantages to being skilled at this game in real life. Are there?
A:
No.
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