Group one is evident and I already went over it. Group two is a large one that includes your starches - Dorritos, Mac and Cheese, pasta, Captain Crunch and other cereals, and French fries; your side dishes - A-1 steak sauce, Worchestershire sauce, mustard and ice cream; your beans - pinto, kidney, refried and jelly; (on a side note, if you do go to an Oriental market, be aware that there is a big difference between jelly beans and jellied bean); your fruits - apples, pears, watermelon and carrots; and last, but not least, your desserts - pie, cake, Ho-Hos, pizza and chili fries. It is of utmost importance that you balance your diet between these two main groups. Like the twin pillars of a two-legged tripod, these two groups will form the foundation of your systemic and colonic well being.

Before I press on to the fourth group, let me spend some time on group three. This group grows larger with each passing day. Foods in this group fall into 2 categories:

a) Food that is nasty, but you are supposed to eat anyway; b) Food that you used to love, but are not supposed to eat anymore.

Sub-group a) consists primarily of salads, vegetable juices and cod liver oil. Sub-group b) is the category that seems to grow exponentially. The current nutrition theory is that any food that has a high degree of flavor goes in this pile. As I seem to find that most of my favorites in groups one and two are also in this category, I am presented with a dilemma. I won't eat that stuff in sub-group a) and if I can't eat the stuff in sub-group b), I'll starve. So the obvious conclusion is that starving is definitely not healthy for you and clearly must be avoided. Order up a cheese steak!

The last, and certainly not least, food group is the beverage group. This includes Pepsi; various generic sodas, such as Coke and Mountain Dew; milk; water; coffee; tea; and beer. Hard liquor in not really a food group, but falls in the recreational/medicinal, destructive category, which include drugs, masturbating and watching TV.

Drink lots of beverages. A word about beer - Don't drink too much beer. In figuring out how much is too much, we can use two methods of accounting. The first method is the immediate, common sense method. 20 beers a day for a week is too much. We can also use the amortized method, which is more subtle and more dangerous. 20 beers a day times a week equals 140 beers, but if you amortize that over, say, the first year that you have a girlfriend and are not allowed to drink, the number is quite insignificant. Now you may say, "Hah! The point of all of this is to cook for yourself so that you don't feel the pressing need to get a girlfriend." My answer is, "Yes, but if you drink a lot of beers, you walk around conc'ed like the victim of a scout and you are vulnerable to all kinds of attacks. In that condition, you may just wake up with a girlfriend. Hell, I've known guys that woke up with whole families. Proper nutrition is so important"

Lesson 3: Knives

Other than the obvious gastronomic benefit, the next most gratifying part of cooking is using really sharp knives. Ah, the heft and the feel of a well balanced instrument, the shimmer and gleam of Swedish steel in the sunlight... Trust me. Save up some bucks and buy a really good chef's knife. Get one of those 10 or 12 inch babies. It will set you back the better part off $100, but it will last you a lifetime and it will make that lifetime worthwhile. Forget the stuff that comes in an assortment and is included with that oak knife holder, forget anything that is rattling around in your mom's cutlery drawer, forget anything that you get with a fill-up at Exxon and forget anything that has a serrated edge or a pointy end that doubles as a fork.

This knife will become your friend, your assistant, an extension of your will as you create and carve your culinary masterpieces. Keep it stored safely away from other utensils (use a knife holder) and away from women. Clattering around in a utensil drawer or being used by female kitchen help are the two surest ways to destroy a finely honed and shaped cutting edge.

When you use it, keep it on the cutting board. When you finish, give it a wipe with a sudsy sponge and a rinse, then put it back in its holder. Never let your fine cutting tools languish in the sink with the common utensils.

Buy a good sharpening stone. I recommend you find a woodworking supply store and purchase a 10" x 3" Japanese water stone in 800 grit on one side and 1200 grit on the flip. Again they are expensive, but worth it. Learn how to use it. If you want, tell me and I'll fly out to where you are and show you. It is that important. Never apply one of those horrible file-like, steel rod instruments of torture to your charge. They are included with knife sets only to put a coarse, saw-like cutting edge on the cheap ass knives it came with so that you can hack your way through stuff and not notice that you bought junk.

Sharpen intently, concentrate and revel in the silence. The inward view this affords you is astounding. The Zen-like serenity of working metal, of feeling with your hands the proper angle and pressure to apply to the blade, the visual pleasure of sighting down the cutting instrument that has been honed and lapped down to a working edge that is sharp down to a molecular level is unsurpassed. The blade will glide though its work, parting flesh, vegetable and Mac and Cheese boxes with ease. You will be tuned to the edge. You will be sensitive to the nuances of slicing and carving. You will delight in the pleasure of feeling the blade seemingly melt into the skin of a tomato as it pares off a paper thin slice using only the weight of the knife and a steady, deliberate stroke. The keenness of the blade will be a reflection, an allegory of the keenness of your spirit. It is a skill, an art, an ability that establishes and secures you among your peers. More than learning to drive a stick shift, training a dog, or folding a road map back up, which are rights of passage for a young man, the art of the blade is a symbol of arrival; for a man that can produce and nurture an edge is complete.

Lesson 4: The presentation.

What keeps the master chef above and apart from his pedestrian counterparts is the artful presentation of the finished dish. I prefer to serve my food in such a way that it can be eaten in a bowl with a fork. I like the clear, Pyrex, one-quart mixing bowls. These wonderful containers serve equally well for pasta, beanie-wienies, cereal or sliced up steaks on a bed of rice smothered in A-1 sauce. Cradle the bowl with a folded up dish towel. This will keep the hot food from burning your hands or lap and serves as both napkin and mop. If you have a dog, the mop part is not that important, but it is nice to have a big napkin that will last through a number of meals. I keep mine tucked away in the sofa for convenience. That is pretty much it. Oh! You need a flat place to set your beverage. Always use a coaster.

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